I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
