I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My balls are so social today.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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