I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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