does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
