Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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