Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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