shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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