There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
