idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
