Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
