I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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