I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
