from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
