I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
