I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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