1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
