Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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