We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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