I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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