we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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