Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
