Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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