i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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