Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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