I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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