I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's never too late to be topless.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
