she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
