Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Randomize
