i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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