It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
