The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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