I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
