Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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