I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
