She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
