I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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