I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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