i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
