i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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