I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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