Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
