Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
