i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
