Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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