I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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