I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
