rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
