Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
