I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
