new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
