He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
