Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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