The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's rum buckets o'clock
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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