I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
